My truth

I am allowed to feel angry and upset. I am holed up in my house due to COVID-19 and my anxiety is through the roof.

You know Halsey’s song ‘Sad’ well, it fits my thoughts perfectly.

Two months ago, my ex finally got the balls to dump me. I’ve tried to be civil about it- hell we haven’t spoken since my birthday (you do the math on that) but I am lonely. I have like three and a half friends, I’m not sure about him yet, and it’ hard. I miss talking to someone daily and having a reason to get out of the house and enjoy myself. I miss feeling wanted and loved. He was my best friend for three years, it’s hard to try to forget that.

However, I now realize the last three years were basically a lie. You can’t ghost and dump someone you dated for years and pretend that everything is normal. Was it all a lie? I’m telling myself that because it’s easier to hate them. I don’t hate him, but I feel like I have to to get through this.

So for my own sanity, I’ve listed items that have really made me reconsider my once “whimsically romantic” future plans with him. Whether he ‘let me go’ as my therapist says ou of love or selfishness, I’ll never know.

• He was plastered when he told me he loved me for the first time.
• He was horribly hungover at my mother’s funeral- a fact that he admitted later.
• He secretly chewed tobacco and denied it when I asked.
• I was in a minor car accident and he never asked if I was ok.
• I’m pretty sure he only dated me to get help with school- he dumped me after he graduated.
• He ghosted me from after my birthday through new years (2.5 months) oh! he forgot to wish me a happy birthday and never said anything during the holidays or during my mother’s birthday or deathday.
• He decided to rent a family home to live in without consulting me even though we had been dating for 2.5 years at that point and had lengthy conversations about living together and getting married.
• He’d get upset when I was a little pissy and blame it on my period.
• He would always cancel plans then I’d find out he was with friends, sometimes with mutual friends.
• I’m pretty sure he cared more about drinking and himself than he did for me the time I was stranded in Atlanta at midnight and had to walk about six miles to get to a place where my phone would work so I could call an Uber. He didn’t care when I tried calling him or when I explained what happened the next day.

Now I know I’m no saint, but these are things I can’t just overlook. I deserve someone who will respect me and love me.